Ups and Downs

I’m still feeling better, though some days are better than others. Yesterday I was feeling a bit better and drove down the hill to Staples to buy some bubble wrap. I wanted to get my car washed, but the line was long enough that I didn’t stop. I didn’t go out at all today, which is fine, but it was because I was so tired. Also fine. It’s just hard when it’s the weekend and G. wants to do something and I feel like a poop and want to lay around in bed.

I finally found some important papers and items I hid in the house over a year ago. My passport, several watches, rings, and my social security card. It was before I got sick, and was probably when I was home visiting from our rental house up North, or maybe before then. There must have either been fires or lots of break-ins at the time and I got paranoid. I hid these things away and then forgot where I put them. When I was in the hospital, trying to get on the list for a liver transplant, they wanted my social security card, but I didn’t know where it was.

The last several months I had an idea of where I had put these things, but didn’t have the energy to look for them. Yesterday I decided to try, and there they were.

I think too much about what my outcome looks like with all of this. Am I back on a tennis court, or will that be too much? Will I be able to go for a hike in the hills? It seems very far away, but maybe it just takes time.

When I do have good days, or parts of days, I get suspicious. Do I have more energy because I have an infection or a rejection? Does having energy to do things today mean that I’ll be stuck in bed tomorrow? And when I want to do something, can I? I’m not supposed to garden, but it drives me crazy when I see little things I want to change. I mostly do things around the house, like cleaning out kitchen drawers. Not knowing what to expect has its own freedom in it. You can’t really plan much. I put some things on my calendar, but if it’s anything extra, I know I may not make it, and that doesn’t bother me too much. Every day is so different, it’s impossible to know.

Last week my doctor increased my Cellcept dose, which I think is making my stomach uncomfortable. I was on this after my liver transplant, but had been off it for quite a while until the kidney transplant. I just generally feel like my stomach is unhappy both with or without food, and rumbles a good amount after my pills. It also kills my appetite. I’ll see how it goes the next week and if it gets any better. I’ve found that it might take a few days to get used to a big change like that.